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:iconsilverwynd: More from SilverWynd


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Great Literature by ArthurCrow

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Submitted on
November 22, 2011
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Beneath the mists of a moonlit night
upon the wind your voice calls my name
through a fog of dreams I came,
into the Winter's distant shore beside your firelight,
through Autumn's red-orange, your eyes aglow,
by moon tide boundless the ocean's song
with ancient rhythms which carry us along,
the Great Rite begun, as one our bodies flow,
within another world I see you face,
in sorrow and joy entwined we remain
wandering lost in timeless space,
with a memory like falling drops of rain,
so here in a world forgot shall we stay
and amid the ruins we will greet the day.
none
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:iconmoonlit-muse:
Moonlit-Muse Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I find the imagery to be very lovely, though I do have some critic.

I feel the flow could be improved, perhaps with some more spacing between thoughts. I felt that the ideas run together, blurring and getting lost in a run-on of each other. To me, there wasn't enough pause to process what I read before the next thought was thrust upon me.

My other critic is that you changed your rhyming scheme towards the end, not once but twice- you start strong with abba, then you switch to abab, then you switch finally to aa at the end. It was disconcerting, and broke the flow of the piece for me. I literally found that I stopped upon the stanza containing abab rhyming to go to the top, checking what scheme you'd started with.
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:iconsilverwynd:
SilverWynd Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you very much for your comments, in regards to the rhyme scheme, that was inspired by the form of a sonnet, and while there are many variations in the rhyming of sonnets, it is not uncommon for them to have changed rhymes throughout.

This one intentionally follows a pattern of

abba cddc efef gg
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:iconmoonlit-muse:
Moonlit-Muse Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh really? Oh wow, I fail a bit. I've never written (or really read) sonnets before. Thank you for that information :D
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:iconsilverwynd:
SilverWynd Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
It is not written in the proper meter for a sonnet, but the rhyme scheme is taken from basic sonnet form.
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:iconmoonlit-muse:
Moonlit-Muse Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I understand. The rhyme scheme of a sonnet was used, but the actual poem is not a sonnet.
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:iconsilverwynd:
SilverWynd Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yes, that is correct, I cannot officially call it a sonnet, but it was inspired by sonnet form. Also it is typical for sonnets to be 14 lines long, such as I have made my poem.
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:iconmoonlit-muse:
Moonlit-Muse Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That's pretty cool. I'm still learning about forms and rhyme schemes.
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:iconsilverwynd:
SilverWynd Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You might find this website interesting [link]
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(1 Reply)
:iconstefymoondust:
Stefymoondust Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012
''through Autumn's red-orange, your eyes aglow,
by moon tide boundless the ocean's song
with ancient rhythms which carry us along,....'' love it, it`s so inspiring!!!!
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:iconsilverwynd:
SilverWynd Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you!
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